Goodman Scarlet, a teenager of about seventeen years, was chopping wood

outside his father's store, Albert's Botany. He stopped to rest for a

moment, wiping the sweat from his brow. Just then Albert, his father,

yelled, "Goodman Scarlet, look at our sign! On of the puce letters has been

purloined! They took the puce letter 'A'!" Goodman Scarlet looked up and saw

that what his father had said was true and replied, "Nevermore. . .shall our

store be known as Albert's! It is now lbert's."

Later that day the supplier of lbert's, Dr. Fettuccinni, came running in

gasping for breath.

"What's wrong, Dr. Fettucinni?" asked lbert.

"Nothing. I have created a new plant. Would you like to come to my

laboratory to see it?"

"Oh yes!" lbert said.

"Can I come too?" asked Scarlet.

"Of course," the doctor replied.

"It's right this way. Feel free to look around, but beware my grotesquely

mutated but amazingly attractive son."

As lbert and Fettuccini began to whisper quietly, Scarlet felt a terrible

pain inside of him. "Where is the bathroom?" he asked urgently.

"Down the hall, first door on the second floor."

"Alright," he replied thankfully. Walking down the front hall, he grew

confused. "Hmm. . . was it second door on the first floor, or first door on

the second floor. I'll try both." The second door on the first floor opened

easily, pouring organ music from an old phonograph into his ears. Suddenly

he noticed Dr. Fettucini's grotesquely mutated but amazingly attractive son,

Rocky. "Hi. I'm Goodman Scarlet, lbert's son," he announced.

"What type of name is 'lbert'?" replied Rocky, turning around to face his

visitor.

"It used to be Albert, but someone has purloined our puce letter 'A'."

"Oh, that was me. I needed it for my advertisement. See? I make scary

movies."

Rocky held up the sign. It read:

Rocky's Horror

Picture Show

"But that doesn't have an 'A'!"

"So it doesn't. . . but advertisement does."

"Oh. Okay. Say, um, do you know where your bathroom is?"

"Yeah. Follow me." Rocky went up the stairs near his room, and pointed to

the door. "Here."

"Thanks. Did you anyone ever tell you how nice you are?" Scarlet said, he

opened the door, went in, and closed it.

"Do you like scary movies?"

"Somewhat."

"Want to see my newest? It's called The Swallow."

"Ok."

They both went to Rocky's room and turned out the lights, and Rocky started

the movie. A large swallow flew around a library carrying a coconut.

"Is that an African or European swallow?" asked Scarlet.

"Oh you're so smart. . .and sensitive," Rocky replied as he slipped his arm

around Scarlet's shoulder. When Rocky turned on the lights, to his surprise,

Scarlet was becoming deformed. He gasped.

"What?" asked teenage mutant Goodman Scarlet.

"You, you've mutated!" yelled Rocky.

"Quick! My father might be able to help!"

They both ran down the hall to Dr. Fettucinni's laboratory.

"Oh my absence of a god!" cried lbert, for he was an atheist, "My son!"

"My son," said Fettuccini, "thou art no longer lonely in the world! Pluck

one of those precious gems from the new plant in the laboratory, and bid thy

bridegroom wear it in his bosom. It will not harm him now! My science, and

the sympathy between thee and him, have so wrought within his system, that

he now stands apart from common men, as thou dost, my grotesquely mutated

but amazingly attractive son. Pass on, then, through the world, most dear to

one another, and dreadful to all besides!"

"Fettuccini! Fettuccini! And is this the upshot of your experiment? My son

is now a mutant thanks to you."

"What have you done?" cried Rocky.

"Hush, Rocky, hush!" said he, with tremulous solemnity. "The law we

broke!--the sin here so awfully revealed!--let these alone be in thy

thoughts! I fear! I fear! It may be, that, when we forgot our absence of a

god (for he was atheist also),--when we violated our reverence each for the

other's soul,--it was thenceforth vain to hope that we could meet hereafter,

in an everlasting and pure reunion. Lbert now knows; and he is merciful! He

hath proved his mercy, most of all, in my afflictions. By bringing me

hither, to die this death of triumphant ignominy before the him! Had either

of these agonies been wanting, I had been lost for ever! Praised be his

name! His will be done! Farewell!"

That final word came forth with the doctor's expiring breath As he fell, the

axe that he was holding fell deeply into lbert's back. Realizing what he had

done, his dead body stood up and, with a penknife, removed teenage mutant

Goodman Scarlet's eye, in an attempt to destroy the witness.

No home left for him, teenage mutant Goodman Scarlet moved in with Rocky.

They buried lbert in the laboratory, in a large metal cell.

One night the next week, Rocky was reading to Scarlet from his favorite

chair. Suddenly he heard a rapping at his chamber door. "Come in," he said,

confused, as he lived only with Scarlet. The door opened, revealing the

bloody corpse of lbert.

"I'm not dead yet! You buried me alive!" he said.

Suddenly the house began to shake. A fissure rapidly widened. Their brains

reeled as they saw the mighty walls rushing asunder --there was a long

tumultuous shouting sound like the voice of a thousand waters --and the deep

and dank puddle at the foot of the house closed sullenly and silently over

the fragments of the "HOUSE OF LBERT."

". . .that doesn't have an 'A' either!" pointed out teenage mutant Goodman

Scarlet.

"So it doesn't. Look! The letter 'U' is being purloined!" exclaimed Rocky.

And the deep and dank puddle at the foot of the house closed sullenly and

silently over the fragments of the "HOSE OF LBERT" getting everyone wet, and

killing them instantly.